Dealing with Grief -(R.I.P. Lisa Denise Pollard-Ceesay)

This post is dedicated to a smart, strong, creative, and influential African American Women.

R.I.P – Lisa Denise Pollard-Ceesay

When it comes to grief, my first coping mechanism is to ignore it. Unfortunately, about a year ago I was forced to deal with grief on I level I haven’t had to ever. Usually when someone dies in my family it’s someone I didn’t know personally or someone I didn’t have a close relationship with. However, two years ago I learned that my mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer.

When my mother first told me that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, she had already been attending chemo therapy sessions. She assured me that it was in remission and that she was now in recovery. Due to my lack of knowledge at the time about cancer and horrors that people face when going through chemo, I brushed it off without worry. In my head, my mother was young (43-years old) and she is strong enough to beat this. Some how I confused what life was showing me with what I wanted to believe. I spent about 2-weeks with my mother and then I was off to start a new life in Colorado.

After my wife and I struggling to change our lives by moving 1200 miles away from our home and sleeping in our car for 6-months, we finally moved into our first apartment in Colorado. In just 5 more months I was awarded my full disability for injuries I sustained while serving in the US Army. About 3 months later I receive a call saying that my mother was in hospice and they weren’t expecting for her to make it. I was devastated.

The first though that crossed my mind was why haven’t she told me? Why didn’t she call and tell me that things were getting bad? Then I remembered how as a child, she and I would discuss everything. Then I started wishing I had spent more time with her the last time I was in town. Though I had all these emotions going on in me even until today, I have not been able to cry.

Lisa’s Obituary

The love I have for my mother is deep. The love I have for my wife is the only love that even comparable. Yet I haven shed one tear. I understand that people experience and deal with grief in different ways but I have actually been concerned about this myself. This along with the fact that I didn’t know, has come with a host of emotional and psychological thought processes that I’m aware one day I will have to unpack.

This is just something I felt like writing and sharing so hopefully it helps someone.

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R.I.P. to the legendary rapper Fng Bart from the same city as I, Columbus, GA. May the memory of who you were out live those who killed you!

Artist: Fng Bart

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